I was reading through my new favorite site The Sneeze when I came across the following article entitled “An Open Letter to My Hair“. I won’t lie, Steve’s letter to his hair really hit a chord with me. As you can see from the picture my hair and I haven’t really been on good terms since July 15th, 2006. Much like Steve and his hair, my hair and I hadn’t been on the best of speaking terms for months when I made the decision to end our relationship for good. It was tearing me apart slowly but surely as I watched my hair quit trying in our relationship.
It’s been three years now that we’ve been separated. Every now and again I try and give our relationship another shot, but each time it seemed like my hair was trying less and less. Why was I the only one?! Didn’t it care anymore? I mean sure, it might be a LITTLE miffed about my constant shaving of it. I wasn’t giving it room to grow but it never listened to anything I had to say. Either way it was clear that our relationship wasn’t going to move forward without some outside intervention.
The only flaw in my plan was that apparently the profession of “hair therapist” is just a fancy-schmancy way of saying someone went to beauty school for four months. It was not, in fact, a fully licensed and respected member of the psychiatric community! Pretty short-sighted if you ask me. Either way, since there wasn’t professional therapy available, I figured I’d try for a little over-the-counter chemical therapy instead. There are probably more websites out there dedicated to male hair restoration than to male enhancement (not that I wanted to do a hand count), and the sheer number of fake blogs and testimonials out there is enough to mislead anyone. With no other options I went with the most popular: Rogaine.
Let me stop here and explain something to the ladies. For many men, there’s a certain amount of shame involved when your hair starts to go. It’s worse if it starts young; mine started around the age of 25. It’s also VERY hard to pull off the receding hairline look unless you’re Jason Statham or Mr. Clean. As the foremost champion of the slogan “Bald is beautiful!” it almost felt like betrayal when I ordered my four month supply of Rogaine.
Fast forward 5-7 business days for ground shipping and my Rogaine arrived. It sat on my bathroom counter for a week as I wavered back and forth. Use it, and possibly get my sexified hair back? Not use it, and stay true to my legions of “Bald is Beautiful” followers? Decisions! It didn’t help that I would have to stop shaving my head for four months to test its effectiveness, and if it DID work, I couldn’t quit using it: any new hair growth will fall out if you stop. You thought service plans were the best way for companies to get your money for nothing? No sir. Rogaine is probably the best scam, evar. If it works. Which it says it does on 85% of men! But if I let my hair grow, people would know that I was balding as it grew out! What good is having hair if EVERYONE saw your bald spots for the last four months?! What a crock! I should just send this back with a nasty letter regarding their slowass product.
…or buy lots of hats. “Hrmm. Yeah. Hats. That’s the ticket.”, I said to myself. “No one would ever think it suspicious that I was chrome-domed, then wore hats for four months, then BAM! I got better hair than Zach Braff. A foolproof plan.
So there you have it. Today was day 1 of the great Rogaine experiment. I’ll try to take pictures once a week or so and update the progress. I won’t say I’ll keep it up forever, but I’m definitely willing to try the four month supply. You happy kids at home can follow along and see how magically Rogaine will help my hair and I become reunited.
So here’s my head, pretty similar to the first shot 3 years ago huh? A little tanner sure, but no photoshop here, nosir! All natural iPhone pics only. The last time I shaved my head was yesterday, so we’re looking at 24 hours worth of stubble (natural, not Rogaine). Stay tuned for updates!
PS: Was the pun in my title awesome or what? Get it? Folly? Follicles? You know what? Screw you people. That’s funny.