Ants in the pants? ANTS IN THE PANTS?! YOU SONOFABITCH! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GET ME THE RED MEGAMAN YOU CHEAP PIECE OF CRAP I HATE YOU! -Cartman (Damien, 1998)
My very first exposure to SouthPark so many years ago was this episode; Damien the son of Satan comes to earth to herald he arrival of Satan. It also happens to be Cartman’s birthday. This episode and “Pinkeye” were on a VHS tape that was a birthday present from my sister Theresa. I think this particular tape was given to me sometime in 2000… yeah, I got on the SouthPark bandwagon kinda late.
Let me start by saying I’m not normally a light sleeper. Certain things (my cat, gym trips, hurricanes) have changed that for the worse. You would think I should sleep better with a cat constantly walking on me but somehow, that’s just not the case. Last night I had another issue: ants. That’s them in the picture up there.
You know that state of sleep, right as your about to fall asleep? Where you always think you’re about to roll off the bed and you jerk, waking yourself up? Yeah, that one. I couldn’t manage to get past that because every time I’d doze off, I’d feel like something was ever so slightly brushing against me. My arms. My head. My leg. I’d swipe at it and doze back off, only to have it happen again. I finally stumbled out of bed at 3am and turned on the light. Sure enough I hadn’t been dreaming something was definitely touching me. Ants were crawling all over my comforter and me and I had been swatting them in my sleep. I can’t begin to describe the level of “freak the fuck out” that hit my sleep addled brain at 3am in the morning.
Now I don’t have anything against insects in general, but anything that bites pretty much gets nuclear winter declared inside my house. I got pushed into a fire ant bed as a kid and had too many “lawn mower meets ant hill” incidents while growing up to be nice to ants. Luckily California ants don’t seem to bite much, and are generally just looking for water. Call me an ant racist, but I smashed all the ones I could see (black ants on a dark wood bed half asleep at 3am!), threw my comforter in the corner, and dragged my mattress, pillow, and a blanket off to sleep on the floor. I’ve only been here 10 days and had my own bed for the last 4 days and now somehow I’m back to sleeping on the floor. I was just drifting back off to sleep (Wifecat curled up at my side of course) when I heard the little voice in the back of my mind say the Cartman quote. I managed to scare the cat into finding somewhere else to sleep by laughing my ass off.
I’m coming back from work with Raid though. No mercy!